Scared of Success? Find A Role Model!

I have a confession to make: I’m scared of finally getting to my goal weight.

Maybe that sounds strange considering that’s the main topic of this blog and how hard I’ve worked to get this far. Over 73 pounds lost is pretty snazzy!

But here’s why:

I’m afraid that after I lose the weight, I’ll look in the mirror only to see a thinner version of the mentally ill, angst ridden, depression fighting, on disability-still failure I am in my own mind. Skinnier, but still a failure. At this point, with another 45 pounds to lose staring me in the face, my motivation is hanging by a thread.

A big part of this is that I’ve already lost a lot of weight twice since I’ve been diagnosed (12 years). The first time from a major med change and I became way underweight only to gain it all back, and the second time for my wedding using Weight Watchers. The second time was the worst because not only did I gain it all back, I added another 30 pounds. So not only am I afraid of the “so what, I’m now a skinny, crazy failure, big deal”, but that, because I feel that way, I’ll fall right back into the “feed the pain away” habit and gain back all the weight I lost. To let not only myself down, but everyone reading this blog who I’m trying to inspire and motivate, and everyone who’s been so supportive during this journey.

Now you know my deep, dark secret. And I have a feeling I’m not alone. It has been bugging me for awhile now, enough to start falling back into the “feed the pain/anxiety mode” way too often. Enough to wonder if I’ve done enough and to quit while I’m ahead as I keep see-sawing back and forth on the scale and my weight loss has slowed to a crawl. It’s getting harder to abstain, harder to lose, harder to keep away from sugar and maintain my 4-5 times a week exercise schedule.

The Answer:

Thanks to a dear friend, I now have a “new” iPad and I spent a bit of time downloading apps last night. One is called “Unstuck” and it led me step by step to address how and why I now feel stuck in my weight loss journey. It was easy to use and FREE – way cheaper than a trip to therapist. The stuck bottom line: I’m afraid I will fail and fall right back into old bad habits. The answer: look at the problem from a different perspective and think about actions that will support my new weight/lifestyle. I realized that I’m not the 278 pound person I was almost a year ago. I’ve changed and grown in so many ways, and considering how far I could fall off the wagon, I’m doing pretty good in the big picture. And, as I continue adding new activities and goals to keep my exercise program fresh, the person I’ll be when I reach my goal weight will also be different than the person I am NOW.

I’ll have the confidence I gained from accomplishing this big goal. The improved self image from all the support I’ve gotten from the incredible people surrounding me. The excitement of buying new clothes in “normal” size clothing stores. And the increased energy and endurance gained from so much less weight to lug around. I know I won’t look in the mirror and see the skinny 27 year old I was before all this started. But I will see an attractive, fit, confident middle aged woman, willing and able to take on new challenges. And you know, that’s just fine!

So that’s my motivation now: taking care of myself today for that “future self” tommorow.

More Motivation:

Speaking of “perception flipping”, if this hasn’t been motivating enough, I got this TED podcast in an email. Aimee Mullins is the QUEEN of Perception Flipping. I highly recommend watching this every time you’re feeling stuck, having issues with your disorder or health in general, or simply frustrated with your life. It’s powerful so prepare yourself!


9 thoughts on “Scared of Success? Find A Role Model!

  1. Lara, this was *profoundly* meaningful to me. Thank you for sharing your fears and self-sabotaging behaviors along with your flip in perspective. There can be no light without shadow—both are needed for true vision.

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