Just Because It Doesn’t Work Out…This Time

 

I made a very hard decision today, to withdraw from my class because it was too much…for now. After a week of daily cycling, and difficulty with mood regulation since I started it, it was that or the hospital. After doing so well, getting confidence back, being consistently stable for months at a time, this has been quite a step backward.

You see the picture in my head is going back to school, getting a degree or tech certification of some kind, professional preferably, stay stable, and GO BACK TO WORK. Well, it’s still there, but not sure if it’s the right picture now. Not sure of anything really. Back to babysteps. My wife says it’s not failure, it’s simply postponement. Or maybe it’s time to consider a different picture.

Lesson: What gives us the most strength is own freedom to choose. The trick is figuring out the choices. And that’s quite a trick!

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3 thoughts on “Just Because It Doesn’t Work Out…This Time

  1. I really, really applaud you for making this rational and healthy decision. I *know* how much this hurts, how much it feels like failure. It’s *so hard* to let go of what we think we *should* be, what we believe will make us valid and whole.

    I rooted loudly for you when you decided to try school again, but I also held my breath. Because I knew if I tried to go back to school, I’d end up, at the very least, rapid cycling like you did. Part of me desperately wanted you to succeed, because that meant maybe some day *I* could try school again, too. But another part of me worried you would end up here—symptomatic and disappointed.

    We all have different paths to some kind of acceptance of our illness and its limitations. I know I struggle with those things every day. I think the illness itself makes acceptance difficult with its inherent despair and hopelessness.

    I hope you find a bit of peace, today, Lara. I hope you can take comfort in all the work you do to manage your health, all the accomplishments you’ve made on this journey, all your successes. You are an incredible woman.

    • Your wisdom and kindness helped keep me sane today – I owe you and thank you. Took on a project, started planning the rest of the week, and most of all, didn’t WALLOW. You’re right, focusing on what keeps us healthy, for me exercise, eating right, doing projects, those are the things I need to do again and have already started. And just because I’m not ready *right now* doesn’t mean I won’t be ready in a year or so. Need to focus on getting stable again and I truly appreciate your support and kindness – you really did help me get through today. I don’t know how well I would have been without your encouragement my friend. You too are an incredible woman!

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