Like the Chinese say “It’s been an interesting year…”

To my readers, I apologize for the lengthy absence. Like the Chinese say “It’s been an interesting year!” On the weight front, it’s been follow the bouncing scale readout for months now and frankly, I’ve been struggling to go from day to day.

Yes, there have been some health issues, but they are getting under control. But I’ve lost my motivation, direction, and sight of why I started this journey in the first place. While it was understandably for potential serious health reasons (borderline diabetic, developing sleep apnea, having trouble with simple walking, and generally feeling like crap), after losing a large portion of the weight and those issues now resolved, the last roughly 40 pounds to lose (I’ve gained back almost 10 pounds since the beginning of the year) now seems an unobtainable goal. The difficulty stems partially from struggling with constant bouts of depression since April that only now are getting under control and being just plain tired.

Tired of struggling to lose even a pound, working out 5 days a week, eating like a bodybuilder (i.e. a fly!), only to gain 2-3 back after 1 pancake breakfast. The depressions come with major sugar/carb cravings and it takes weeks to lose the weight from falling off wagon after wagon. We’ve talked about “flipping the switch” – looking at problems from the opposite direction or a different point of view. So here I am with you, dear readers, admitting I now need help to get back on track and figure out why this journey continues to be important, and what it’s true value is to me, not just now, but in the future as well.

Because what I’ve learned is this: this is not a journey – it’s a way of life, a commitment to set aside fleeting instant gratification and “sweet treat pleasures” for a healthy body and nutrition and loving movement that keeps my mind on track. I am getting help with this, going back to a therapist after 4 years without one and making a major med change that I am praying will help with the sabotaging food cravings.

So today’s lesson: yes, I’ve fallen down this year, over and over again. But I keep getting back up and part of that is coming back to this blog. It’s very hard admitting here that I’ve lost my focus and dedication. But committing to writing here, finding inspirational messages, quotes, stories, and pictures for you (and myself), and using this as part of holding myself accountable, all these actions will help. Yes, they will take work. Yes, it will be a pain in the ass. Yes, I would rather be eating cheesecake and watching “Farscape” than sweating in the gym and staying true every day to making healthy food choices.

But I commit to myself, and to you, tomorrow is a new day. We’re going out to eat for our anniversary, but even then, and the rest of the day, I will make healthy food choices. I will go to the gym for a 1 hour cardio and strength training session. And I will report back to you on whether I was able to honor these 2 commitments for 1 day. Sadly, like a 12 stepper, it’s going to be 1 day at a time for awhile. But I hope you’ll support me and, as I get back on track, I’ll do the same for you.


4 thoughts on “Like the Chinese say “It’s been an interesting year…”

  1. I wanted to write something really inspiring for you….but I don’t think I can as I can feel your despair, as I’ve been in the same position more than once! I’ve NOT won the weight battle…in fact I’ve almost given it up altogether – but not quite. And yes, the weight is still hanging on my body, together with all of the bad feelings that go with it! But you…you’ve done SO well to lose so much already. It sounds like you’ve worked really hard to get this far…which can make our strict regime feel intolerable once we’ve lost our motivation. But you can pause for a while – without going back to square one, if you work at maintaining your current weight until you get your enthusiasm back.
    What about if you look for a form of exercise that you find enjoyable(which will then feel less like work)…that you can do almost effortlessly? And instead of feeling like you’ve failed, because you’ve not reached your weight goal, what about if you aim for the nearest stone under what you are now….then maintain that weight – say for three/six months, without gaining or intentionally losing…giving your body time to re-adjust itself…meaning you’ll be less likely to regain the weight as easily in the future.
    Your depression was probably one of the contributing factors to weight gain, so working on that is vital. But what’s also important is that you acknowledge how strong you are to have come this far. And yes you feel tired. So find something new to bring into your life….that can reignite your passion – then even though you will still be watching your weight etc., dieting can take second place to living.
    Like many others I hate this overweight and how it makes me feel (failure)…but my personal and professional experience has proven to me that the bad feelings were probably there first – and if they don’t get sorted the weight won’t stay off! But the weight makes us feel bad, which makes us feel worse…which encourages our system to go into survival mode…which is why we put on weight when we feel bad! Cyclical Shit eh…!
    Anyway…you’ve already lost a lot of weight…well done for that…so let your mind, body and personality acclimatise to that loss…take a little rest by going on a maintenance diet (which ensures you don’t regain so easily), then work on your thoughts and emotions that weigh your heart down. You can do it…but in stages which you control. Make everything structured, so you know you are guiding your actions to get where you want to be (stops that out of control fear).
    Hey – but what do I know…!!!

    • Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time to comment on my post – and say exactly what I needed to hear! I truly appreciate your hard won perspective and your excellent suggestions. After last night’s eating fest, was just thinking this morning about how much I would rather have spent that time at a Bach concert, a play, walking around an art gallery, or even just spending time with my friends. Instead of feeling bloated and miserable afterward, I would have felt happy and re-energized (all important for battling depression). Am hoping that going back to therapy will address the underlying stuff and getting back to creative work as well. Huge hugs to you for your wonderful words of support!!!

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